The Trumpet's Guide to Life
by uog
Summary: NEW! It's revised!!! The trumpet's guide to life. Written by Dr. A. Lethargic, ph.D in trumpeting. A must read for all amateur trumpeters. Shows all trumpeters the correct way to live their life and show everyone that they are true trumpeters.
1. quote Music unquote

Chpt.1- "Music"  
  
* * * * * *  
  
ƒ: play as loud as you can (you MUST drown out the saxes)  
ƒƒ: even louder  
ƒƒƒ: even MORE loud  
mƒ: very loud  
mp: loud  
p: sort of loud  
pp: impossible, refer to mp  
:ƒƒƒ to ƒƒ (or attempt to)  
  
eigth rest: add extra note of your choice (all trumpets)  
whole or half rest: only one or two trumpets add notes. (preferably first and second chair)  
  
4/4, 3/4, 2/4, 2/2, 6/8, C: these are called time signatures, should be ignored  
b (flat), # (sharp), natural: known as accidentals, must be ignored  
accel.: get five (5) measures ahead of band.  
poca a poca accel.= get five (5) measures ahead of band, when conductor stops you, get three (3) measures ahead, keep repeating process.  
*memo: remember to be tone deaf. :)  
  
  
Trumpet- Must carry as if first born child, except in many cases when you must continuosly drop it in order to show it respect.  
  
music- If not respectfully torn, then always wrinkled or has mold growing on it. Large quantities of gravel are not uncommon, either.  
  
music stand: Constantly tip over, try to see how many flutes you can maim.  
  
chair: Repeatedly try to balance on one leg, try to see how far you can go before you tip over, off the platform.  
  
Euphonium / Tuba / Baritone: dump spit on the euphonium and see how THEY like it for once.  
  
saxophone (they're not worthy of capitalization): ...destroy...eliminate...exterminate...gone...at all costs...  
^Remember, saxophones are lower than Pokèmon!  
  
Flute: Use as a baton, great for practice.  
  
Clarinet: See above  
  
French Horn: Break all the strings, wonderful sound.  
  
Bassoon: Avoid, unless you like to be kicked and hit on the head with a music stand.  
  
Timpani- See how loud and high you can play until you break the heads. 


	2. Basics and Academics

Chpt. 2- Basics and academics  
  
* * * * * *   
  
1. Never walk, you must always run.  
  
2. Leap a lot.  
  
3. Constantly see how far or high you can jump, if you break or fracture a bone, ignore it and keep on leaping.  
*tip: When one gets the need to run or do something active in band, just drop trumpet and procede to lean back in one's chair until one falls off stage.  
  
4. Always run in a straight (sort of) line, no matter what is in front of you. If a solid concrete wall is ahead, go and (attempt to) crash through it.   
  
left, east  
V north, sky  
^ south, ground  
  
*note: Trumpets are superior to the band in all aspects of life.  
  
True trumpeters must have a lower than 1.67 GPA.  
F: fantastic  
D: did better than average  
C: could've done better, average  
B: bombed  
A: alto sax equivilant 


	3. Marching

Chpt. 3- Marching  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Right face: Turn in any random direction as desired.  
  
Left face: " "  
  
Mark time: Look at the person's feet in front of you, then make your heels and toes go up at alternating times than theirs.  
  
Horns up: Drop your trumpet at your feet, dropping your flipbook is a bonus.   
  
Halt: Run into the person in front of you.  
  
Reversal: Run straight forward, but be sure to add some leaps and trip a little bit, too.  
  
Flipbook: A little book thing thats black. You stick music in it and attach it to your trumpet with a lyre.   
  
Lyre: Some weird gold-ish silvery curly pin thingy with a long square wire melted on so you can put your flipbook on it.  
*note: the lyre and flipbook are not necessary, merely accessories.  
  
Drum Major: The annoying person in the front twirling a big flute thing that doesnt have any keys and has a tassel that walks like a chicken.  
  
Center Guide: The person in the middle of your row that is constantly yelling at you when the drum major is not looking.  
  
To march: run slowly, it doesn't matter how many times you drop your trumpet, squish up the line in front or in back of you, and be sure to stare any direction but forward.   
  
IMPORTANT!: Wearing a black sweatshirt and jeans on a 97º day is NOT A GOOD IDEA. 


	4. Concerts and Religion

Chpt.4- Concerts/ Religion  
  
* * * * * *   
  
Concert Behavior  
  
* * *   
  
1. Always tear your music. This is also a sign of respect to it.  
  
2. If the chair you have is bad (e.g. it leans to one side) , switch it with a french horn or alto saxophone player. Preferably the alto sax.  
  
3. If it ever says "In stand" in your music, be sure to put your stand almost parallel to the ground. Then, when you come to the measure, blast it out.  
  
4. After the last note is played in a piece, drop your trumpet. This will cause humiliation to your director and also is a sign of respect to your instrument.  
  
5. If you ever have time, look around for broken reeds (they don't have to be alto sax. clarinet and baritone sax reeds work just great!) and substitute them for the ones that the a-saxes use. They probably won't be able play.  
  
* * *  
  
Religious Practices  
  
* * *  
  
7. You must pour a whole bottle of valve oil down your trumpet every thirteenth of a month. This way, evil spirits will be washed away.  
  
8. Tie pink and purple feathers to your trumpet case once a month, so that none of the evil spirits will take your beautiful, worshipped, revered trumpet to the shop, where it would be messed up.  
  
9. During concerts, always sit in a green chair. Green chairs seem to ward off any bad luck.  
  
10. Always carry a Pokèmon card with you (e.g. Charmander, Bulbasaur, Squirtle, etc. Pikachu works best). It will protect you from the maimed flute spirits.  
  
11. Raise your stand up high, blocking the band director's gaze. This reflects waves of evil spirits and bad luck.  
  
12. Constantly fall off the stage. This will enhance your tone and your ties to the trumpet god. 


End file.
